OWL STONE RECORDS: THIS MONTH IN MUSIC, MAYHEM & QUESTIONABLE DECISIONS

Your unofficially official source for the latest chaos, creativity, and concerns from the world’s greatest fictional record label.

NEW RELEASES THAT NO ONE ASKED FOR BUT EVERYONE NEEDS

Defrost Popsicles Drop “Cold Steel Stomachache”

The frostbitten metal legends have unleashed a new single so intense that three amps reportedly burst into flame during the recording session, which is strange, because the studio thermostat was set to 59 degrees.The song features:

• A double-bass solo lasting seven minutes

• A scream from the lead singer that caused two interns to reconsider their life goals

• And the masked guitarist’s new signature move: playing at temperatures that violate OSHA standards

The band describes the track as “the warmest song we’ve ever made,” which should terrify everyone.

Teddy Bear Suicide Release “Crying in the Toy Aisle”

Recorded entirely in the backroom of a discount department store, Teddy Bear Suicide’s latest melancholy-grunge track brings listeners on a journey of heartbreak, fuzz pedals, and questionable childhood nostalgia.

During the recording process, the drummer reportedly “got emotional” and had to be escorted away from a life-size plush giraffe. The band is fine. The giraffe is recovering.

Band 2 Accidentally Releases an Album

No one, including the band, is certain how this happened.

A folder labeled “NOT OUR MUSIC DON’T TOUCH” mysteriously appeared on the Owl Stone Records server. Someone clicked it. It instantly uploaded to streaming platforms.

Critics are calling the album “shockingly good for something created by accident.”Band 2 still hasn’t listened to it.

CHAOS FROM THE ROAD: TOUR MISADVENTURES

Sick Sacks Get Kicked Out of a Gas Station… Again

While stopping for snacks, the band set off the store’s smoke alarms despite no visible fire. When asked to explain, the lead singer shrugged and said, “That happens when we walk indoors.”

The clerk described them as “polite but suspiciously soggy.”

Soon To Be Cancel Their Tour Before Announcing It

Due to “scheduling conflicts,” “lack of planning,” and one member losing the van keys in a snow globe, Soon To Be canceled their entire summer tour.

This is especially impressive because no dates had been booked.

However, the band says they are “feeling optimistic” about announcing a new album release date soon. Owl Stone Records is not optimistic.

🎄 HOLIDAY HORROR IN SPRING: RUTHLESS CAROLERS RETURN

Even though it’s nowhere near December, Ruthless Carolers have released their new single, “Sleigh Slaughter: Extended Eggnog Cut.”

In true fashion, they showed up to the studio wearing:

• Full Santa suits

• War paint

• And, for reasons unknown, hockey pads

The engineers are still sweeping glitter out of the ventilation system.

OTHER IMPORTANT (AND UNNECESSARY) NEWS

• The Night Reapers refused to attend their own photoshoot unless they were promised “at least three fog machines per person.” The studio had one. Negotiations lasted two hours.

• Defrost Popsicles’ masked guitarist revealed a new mask made entirely of recycled popsicle sticks. It collapsed immediately.

• Teddy Bear Suicide’s bassist has announced he is “boycotting metaphors” in all future lyrics.

• Sick Sacks launched a merch item called the “Puke Bucket Bag.” It sold out instantly. We’re scared to restock it.

• Band 2 continues to insist they're not actually in a band despite showing up to band practice weekly.

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WHAT’S NEXT AT OWL STONE RECORDS?

Expect new releases, more chaos, unfinished albums from Soon To Be, and at least one emergency meeting regarding building damage caused by Sick Sacks.

Stay tuned, the next month is shaping up to be our loudest, weirdest, and least organized yet.